Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?

So for those of you who know me you’d probably say I was extroverted.  I am loud, outgoing, talkative and bubbly, so from the looks of it I am pretty extroverted.  Wrong.  I am completely and totally introverted and actually quite shy.  It is my baseline.  I was out with a group of friends the other night and was feeling particularly quiet; it’s not that I didn’t want to be out with them, it’s that I wanted to be out with my friends, surrounded by them and their energy, I just didn’t really want to participate in the conversations, I just wanted to listen and absorb their energy. My close friends know this to be true about me.  They know my quiet spells and understand my desire to be quiet and surrounded by chaos.  But when anyone new comes into the mix they always get startled.  I am all of a sudden overwhelmed answering questions like ‘are you feeling okay’ and ‘what’s wrong’ and frankly I hate having to explain that about myself. 


On a day to day basis, yes, I am pretty extroverted. I like to talk to people and be social, I am for all intents and purposes, loud and bubbly.  But at the end of the day I am quiet, I like to observe, stay in my shell and be quiet. It is my baseline, to be introverted, but lately I feel like whenever I am being my quiet, observant self, people comment more and ask me what is wrong.  In a way it feels as though I am unable to be myself for the sake of sparing other people’s feelings and making sure they’re content with their surroundings, which may involve my presence. 


Has anyone else ever felt like this?


secrets 2.0

quiet a few years ago I started this blog, and for a while my posts we’re pretty inconsistent.  I’d post a ton and then go missing on a regular basis, but this last leave of absence is down right pathetic.  it’s been YEARS. what in the actual fuck. i made a vow to myself that this year I’d get back to it, so that’s what i am here to do.  i was reading some of my old posts. holy shit i was a whiny love-sick little shit. glad that’s over with.  i did come across one post about secrets, and I’d like to revisit and revise: lets do this.

My blog is called ‘The Secrets In The Telling’ So I guess I can let you all in on a few small secrets.

I would rather be curled up with a book and a cup of coffee than anywhere else. all day. everyday. this is still true.  nothing holds my attention like a good book.

I call myself a writer, and yet, I rarely write.  I don’t even look for jobs that involve writing. also still true. working on changing that, though.

I love shopping more then almost everything else. true, but definitely mellowed out throughout the years.

I drink more diet coke then water. It’s terrible for me but I don’t care.  I say I want to be healthy, and giving it up would be a giant leap towards taking care of myself but I just don’t want to be without it. still drinking diet coke, lets get real.  BUT no longer true.  I drink a ton more water than diet coke, and i have made huge attempts [and strides!] with taking care of myself. more on that later, though.

Up until about 3 weeks ago I slept with a stuffed bunny every night since I was a baby.  Only reason I stopped is because it went missing.  I still have trouble sleeping without it, and I still constantly look for it. i still miss that dang bunny. but now i have a bear. i named him bear, cause i am super creative.

I am hopeful and optimistic for others, pessimistic and cynical about myself. accurate.

I am hopelessly in love with someone who will never love me. NOT EVEN CLOSE. haha like i said, i was a whiny love sick little shit.

I would give anything to move to New York. still true.

No matter how long I have lived in Arizona, Chicago will always be my home. accurate.

I am too careful for my own good.  I want to be reckless. I want to be carefree. I just can’t be. still overly cautious, but i definitely found my free spirit.

I am lonely. not even a little bit.

thats enough secrets for one night.

welcome back, bitch.

well, those 4 years of being MIA sure have flown by! i can’t believe it’s been that long since i used this thing! well, a lot has happened in the last 4 years but frankly there is no real reason to rehash it.  there have been tons of ups and downs, decisions both good and bad and some pretty rad milestones, but then again, 4 years is a long time to be gone so that makes sense.

when i first started this blog i intended to use it for 2 things: first, to share my [evidently whiny] thoughts, and second to showcase some of my writing.  i did a half assed job on the latter but did spectacular at the first. pretty sure it’s time to switch that around.

i’ve grown up quite a bit in the last 4 years.  say goodbye the whiny girl who had whimsical dreams of prince charming and fantasized about her perfect life, job, friends and body, and say hello to the bitch who got the reality check.  this space will now be used to document my progress on improving my health, the dull day to day shit, ridiculous adventures, hilarious encounters, and most importantly some writing samples.

it’s good to be back, now lets have some fun.

i believe in you. [dream me a reality]

“I believe in you” … 4 words, and yet they mean so much.

tonight i was talking with one of the greatest people I’ve ever met about our dreams. his dreams of traveling and taking over the limited brands world. my dreams of going on the road and touring with a band and writing about it. and while his dream is [obviously] more likely to happen then mine it was still nice to hear him say this: “i believe in you”. oh the little things in life.

i am a dreamer. no, scratch that, i am the biggest dreamer you will ever meet. i will say though, that i am a determined dreamer. i have had the same dream since i was a kid. yes, i have had new dreams come up and yes i have gotten discouraged, but in the end the dream is always the same. the only difference is now i am not a kid dreaming. now i am an adult, trying my hardest to make it in this world and doing everything i can to make my dream a reality. i guess we’ll see.

i know what i want from life.
i don’t know exactly how to get there, but that’s half the fun. i’ll get there, i always do.

dream big.

i refuse to let my dream die. i plan on making it a reality.

if you feel it, if you dream it, if you believe it, make it a reality. follow your heart.

.i believe in you.



i am scared of everything.

i love my job more than most things in life.

if my friends asked me to run in front of a car for them i would.

the cab’s ‘vegas skies’ is the song that saved my life almost 2 yrs ago.

i’ve recently made some of the most incredible friends, i have no idea how i have lived my life without them thus far.  they are my family and i’d do anything for them.

i love black eyeliner. i don’t care what anyone says.

i love being in a relationship.

i wish it was cold all year round. i hate the heat.

for the first time in almost 7 yrs i don’t want to be with him.

when i fall, i fall fast and hard, but it takes a lot to get me to fall.

i miss being a blonde.

i miss dance. i feel like a piece of me is missing ever since i stopped.

i feel like i missed out on a lot of my youth because i tried to grow up too fast to catch the eye of a boy who never really cared in the first place.

i come standard with a diet coke. i drink more pop than water, and i just don’t care.

i love to shop.

for the first time in 2 years i have butterflies in my tummy over a boy.

i am a lover, not a fighter.  but i’ll fight for the things i believe in.

words are stronger than just about anything.

i live for the nights that make you feel infinite.

i want a tattoo.

if i could i’d move away from az tomorrow.

i love kissing.

i love cuddling.

i love holding hands.

i love to laugh, and i wish i did it more.

i love laughing so hard you can’t breathe and tears stream down your face.

i can’t remember what its like to be 100% happy.



if love is what you need…

okay seriously.. if you haven’t yet go listen to The Cab, NOW.


Probably the most inspiring albums I have heard in years.

Each and every track is so incredible. passionate. wonderful.  these albums remind me to never forget my dreams.  to never give up.

“Whisper War” got me through the roughest time of my life.  Sometimes I think it is the album that saved me. Actually, I know it is.

Their new album, “Symphony Solider” is just as wonderful.  The long awaited album absolutely kicks ass. Well worth the wait!
But seriously if you haven’t already: GO LISTEN TO THE CAB NOW! Most inspiring, wonderful, meaningful, beautiful, incredible, music.

.the songs and lyrics that saved my life.


We The Dreamers

Growing up I have always had this dream of following a band on tour and writing about the experiences.  Writing about what it is like being on the road, living in such close quarters with people, but most of all living for the music.

For those of you who know me there are two things I absolutely adore: Writing and Music.  I would love to be able to combine the two.  I would love to be able to go on tour with a band and write about every minute of it.  Every glitch, every incredible moment, every chord, and every lyric.  Gosh, that would be amazing.

I know it is a silly dream, but it is so much fun to think about.  So fun to fantasize about a life on the road, surrounded by the music.  The same songs and the same set list each night but a different feel each time.  Like the city changes the chemistry of the music and the band.  I want to know how it feels.

I would love to be able to combine two of my favorite things into something more.  But for now I will just listen to the tracks that make my heart skip beats.

“music is a vital part of my life. I can’t wake up without it, I can’t drive, work, sleep, breathe without it.”